Marriage is as enjoyable as it is difficult. After all, living with a loved one under the same roof, leading a common life, raising children, creating plans, realizing dreams, in fact, is very hard work. And it happens that not all couples are ready to equally share these responsibilities among themselves, and therefore quarrels begin in the family, the result of which is often a divorce.
“They didn’t get along” - the main reason we hear most often. But today we decided to find out if it is the only one.
World in half
According to statistics, every seventh married person would like to improve relations with his other half. In this case, the main thing is desire. But what causes the final break in the relationship? Before you our top 10:
Financial situation. To get used to the fact that from now on your salary, which until then was exclusively yours, now goes to the family budget, it can be difficult. Often, purchases that could be afforded before marriage are already in question, and in order to make them, you need to consult with your mate. This often does not suit people who have selfish inclinations.
In addition, the state of lack of money, even when both family members are struggling to improve the situation, is very exhausting. It destroys the idyll and makes life tense, but in such a situation, the feelings are not even discussed.
Marital infidelity. One of the main reasons why families break up. After all, often even having decided to forgive a traitor, a person continues to doubt, suspect, check and not trust a partner. This undermines the solid foundation of the family, and as a result, the life of people who have once loved each other turns into ordinary cohabitation.
Past. You will never have a future if you live a little past. Those who are constantly trying to compare a spouse or spouse with former passions will find it difficult to find family happiness. Constantly there will appear some small clues that will "float" at another quarrel. It is not worth remembering about the former partners of your half, it will not lead to anything good either.
Relatives and friends. The family can happily accept the second half of their son or daughter, treating her like a native person. But it also happens that the choice becomes disagreeable for the family, and then the real persecution begins.
To the son or daughters, they constantly point out the shortcomings of the chosen one / darling, not being tired of repeating that “this is not what you need. And the unfortunate "victim" is ignored, and sometimes openly spread rot.
In such a situation, it’s not everyone can keep calm and acquire “armor” of negative emotions, which leads to the disintegration of couples.
Life. It is not for nothing that this reason came to our top, after all, if you live with your other half for at least 5 years, you begin to realize that the past passion has already died away, there are feelings, but everything happens by thumb. Monotony is tiring and annoying. Lack of entertainment, attention, the same things and responsibilities get bored.
Lack of talk heart to heart. Your partner, like you, is not perfect, and it is not a secret to anyone. You may not like something, you may be dissatisfied with something, but if all this remains so inside you, the second half will never guess about it, and will continue to act in the same spirit.
Such a cluster of emotions threatens to storm during another quarrel, as well as health problems. A constant storms will not withstand any, even the most powerful pier.
Bad habits. For those who once faced the problem of alcoholism, drug addiction or gambling, these things will forever remain a terrible dream. A loving and attentive second half turns into an uncontrollable person who is capable of harming even those whom she loves.
Lack of a common future. When people live under the same roof, but everyone in the family is for himself - this is the first step to divorce. When spouses do not have common interests and goals to which they strive together, the family begins to go to pieces. In such a marriage, everyone can be very successful, and achieve a lot on their own, but then such a union can hardly be called family.
Problems in sexual life. How not cool, and sex is one of the bricks on which to build the foundation of strong relationships. After all, this is not only a physical process, it involves feelings, sensations, emotions, which make the partners even closer. Constant refusal of sex of one of the spouses inexorably leads to problems in the relationship.
Unwillingness to family life. It turns out that for this reason almost 50% of marriages break up. And the problem is not at all that someone does not know how to make soup, but someone does hammer a nail, but that both partners do not want to look for compromises. Everyone is on his own, and does not see the point of solving the problem peacefully, while choosing the simplest option - to leave or be offended.
All marriages begin in the same way - with bright feelings and faith in a happy future. But life always makes its own adjustments, periodically arranging tests. And only those who can respect, love, hear and listen to their half will be able to cope with them.
Which families are at risk
Statistics assigns a third of all marriages in Russia for official divorces. At risk, oddly enough, in the first place are families in the range of 3 to 6 years of marriage with young children and newborns. Therefore, children, contrary to expectations, do not keep modern spouses together.
In second place were families with experience of 20–25 years, in which spouses, having grown up and put children on their feet, suffer from the syndrome of “empty nest”. But rarely there are cases of divorce in childless families, when the reason for divorce is the reluctance of one spouse to ever have their own or adopted children.
The risk of divorce, in fact, is not the cause of the divorce of a couple and cannot be an accurate indicator, but some factors are suggestive. What if some marriages have a bad chance of survival from the start? For example, in many conflict families, the boy and girl had known each other for less than 6 months before the wedding and simply did not have time to get to know each other properly.
Psychologists do not claim that an additional six months for courtship before the wedding would help to identify shortcomings in the future partner and avoid an unsuccessful marriage. On the contrary, the spouses would get every chance for a more successful and long-term relationship, because they would be mentally prepared for each other's shortcomings.
Disappointment, and often shock, from the discrepancy between dreams and reality very quickly creates a destructive atmosphere in a young family. Few people are able to withstand the conflict “it was - it became” in conditions of a barely begun family life.
Another herald of early divorce is the selfish attitude of one of the spouses, in other words, a marriage of convenience. And you can count not only on the wealth and influential status of the future husband or wife.
Emotional addiction, for example, a girl from her older, strong and experienced partner can turn into a disaster.
Women are always looking for support in the husband, which in itself does not destroy the family - this is a sign of a normal marriage. But in a situation where the wife gets protection, taking advantage of her unloved husband, she risks getting a bundle of irritation, anger, jealousy and neurosis, and a man can start behaving despotic. Such a marriage is doomed to divorce because of the absence of love in its foundation.
Behavioral causes of divorce in the modern family
The struggle of one spouse with the unacceptable behavior of the other can last for a lifetime. Russian women bravely tolerate their husband’s alcoholism as if it were an unpleasant character trait, such as rudeness or quick temper.
At the same time, such reasons for divorce as the illness of a spouse began to appear in the respondents' answers, and there is nothing to be proud of - this is the negative tendency of almost direct betrayal of marriage and family promises, along with betrayal.
Among the unacceptable qualities of a husband or wife that lead to divorce, often indicate:
- permanent conflict resolution through quarrels and scandals,
- failure to provide for the family (for men) and to keep the common household,
- unreasonable separation,
- detected treason, betrayal, lie,
- alcoholism and drug addiction
- theft and other illegal activities.
Material reasons are important too.
Psychologists say that the conditions of poverty make family members extremely impatient with each other. Even if both partners make equal efforts to get out of debt on loans or simply to ensure their existence, the atmosphere of tension absorbs all their strengths and reduces tender feelings to "no." Poverty is a real challenge for marriage, especially with several children. It happens that the husband loses the ability to earn money and support his wife.
In this situation it is very difficult to rely on the patience and loyalty of the spouse, because she feels unfairly deprived.
It can be difficult for people to accept changed circumstances, to adapt to the rhythm of life of a sick person, to sacrifice their time and energy, supporting it. The feeling that everything could be different, as well as the feeling of guilt destroys from the inside.
Causes of divorces in Russia are often associated with the issue of housing. Young families, forced to settle under the same roof with their parents, also risk not to celebrate the 5th anniversary of the wedding. Only from six months to two years is required for the development of conflict with the older generation.
Then a painful outcome follows: either the spouses move to another room, possibly with worse conditions, or one of them remains in the parental home, and the marriage fails.
Why it happens? Parents try to control the family life of their children, concentrate on the problems between spouses, impose dislike on them and instill disappointment in each other.
Sometimes life becomes a constant source of conflict when the younger generation does not want to conduct household chores according to the requirements of their parents. In any case, the parental home is not the safest place for a young family.
The most common causes of divorces material plan:
- poverty, lack of basic necessities,
- the debts of one of the spouses
- disability spouse
- problem with living space.
If feelings have changed - this is an alarming sign.
Pettiness, excessive independence, inability to answer for their decisions and many more negative features gradually lead the spouses to think that they are simply not a couple. Patience, which holds some years, may end for others in the first year of living together.
Spouses who have become unbearable to each other automatically receive disharmonious intimate relationships. Also, they are not inclined to make joint plans for the future and quickly realize that there is no point in continuing such a marriage.
Psychological causes of divorce:
- loss of love
- distrust and jealousy
- the difference in views on life
- sexual incompatibility.
It is unlikely that someone marries or marries a man whom he feels hostile, deeply does not respect or distrust him. Creating a family, everyone is counting on his portion of happiness and hopes to enjoy the relationship with her spouse.
And if over time, the husband and wife are hard-faced as two individuals, each of whom has their own desires and habits, then the inability to put the interests of the family in the first place can probably be considered the root cause.
Pressure from relatives, friends, society has created not only a stereotype, but also fear for a huge number of modern girls. Indeed, many are afraid to go for a walk in the "virgins" and not get married. No one is waiting for a prince on a white horse if a girl is over 25 years old. In this case, none of the representatives of the "weaker sex" is not afraid of divorce, although it would be worth it. Statistics indicate that about 80% of marriages dissolve due to the realized haste to tie the bonds. As a result, divorced girl in 30 years, for sure, is much more difficult to get married. The guy is definitely easier. Probably not in a hurry, girls. Marriage should be for life.
However sad it may sound, infertility is another cause of divorce. It is a fact. Due to poor ecology, poor lifestyle, disease and genetics, many people face the problem of infertility. Not every girl and boy is ready to accept the thought that there will be no children of her own. Naturally, love is able to circumvent any obstacles. In addition, modern medicine allows us to get rid of more serious problems. However, not many people are ready to fight against infertility, to take other people's children into the family and not to think about the continuation of the race. It is sad!
Among the most common causes of divorce should include memories from the past. Unfortunately, we all tend to live with our past experiences, not noticing today. As a result, we exist in the present, but we live in the past. Of course, in marriage, each partner will be hard with a man who does not enjoy the current minute, constantly remembering "life before." To underestimate this problem is fraught with divorce. Fortunately, there are many psychological practices that return to reality. Up to the Osho meditation courses. You can even do without psychologists to learn to appreciate today's moment!
Turning to the statistics noticeable obvious problem. A lot of guys are addicted. Unfortunately, to bring the problem to the addict is impossible. None of them notice faults and mistakes. It is important that the person himself wants to stop using drugs or alcohol. Dependencies also include gambling. Sometimes, the lack of finances in the family is due to playing in the casino of a partner or a girl. Without psychologists, this problem is quite easy to solve. As a rule, attempts to influence the threat of divorce lead to a real dissolution of the marriage. Then, of course, everyone regrets it!
Inability to speak out
The most common cause of divorce - lack of understanding. The inability to speak out leads to such a problem. It's funny that during the so-called “romantic bouquet”, that is, at the beginning of a relationship, no one would have thought about such problems. But there are certain turning dates:
Over time, many luodi cease to share petty experiences and emotions, seeing no need for it. Get used to stability and forget to appreciate moments with their spouses. As a result, they cease to communicate, they even forget, as they did before. And here appear:
- Lack of understanding,
As a result, people go into depression and file for divorce, without getting what they want from their lovers. Do not forget how much you lived together, what this relationship cost. Probably easier to restore than to start over!
The main causes of divorce in the family
1. Lack of common interests
It would seem that the reasons for the divorce in the family can be very different: someone met true love, someone was disappointed in his wife, someone wanted to start life anew. However, all these phenomena are more likely a consequence of the lack of common interests between spouses. As a rule, at the beginning of family life, the husband and wife are in happy euphoria. They share with each other secrets and problems, build common plans and have common goals. But gradually the euphoria passes and there comes the boredom, because of which loving people start moving away from each other day by day.
2. Financial dissatisfaction
Money is not the main thing. But it is they who help spouses not to become bogged down with everyday problems and prevent numerous disagreements. Particularly often, family life ends in divorce due to the lack of financial stability among spouses with children. In addition, many spouses divorce not because of lack of money, but because of different attitudes towards them. This problem is especially acute in families where only one spouse works.
3. Change in appearance
With age, all people change. But, as a rule, in women age-related changes are noticeable earlier than in men. According to the American Center for Statistics, the main causes of divorce among families aged 30 to 40 years are dissatisfaction with the external data of the spouse, namely, rapid weight gain. There is nothing surprising - if a man no longer perceives his wife as an attractive woman, he begins to look around, compare and compare. But it is interesting that women rarely file for divorce due to the fact that their spouse has aged and lost its former attractiveness.
4. Lack of respect
Men are very keen on criticism, especially if this criticism was expressed in the presence of strangers. And if family life is periodically overshadowed by conflicts, during which a woman, shining with eloquence, seeks to hurt, offend and piss her husband more painfully, sooner or later all these quarrels will turn into one big bad temper and frustration. После любого конфликта мужчина чувствует себя униженным и брошенным, что наверняка заставит его искать уважения на стороне. И если вы не желаете рано или поздно получить приглашение на развод, старайтесь в любой ситуации и под наплывом любых эмоций не поддаваться злости и агрессии, а также никогда не критикуйте мужа при посторонних людях.
5. Различные взгляды на воспитание детей
Childless couples most often quarrel because of material difficulties, different views on life and domestic problems. However, as soon as the husband and wife become parents, the main percentage of serious conflicts between them arises due to disagreements in matters of parenting. If the spouses fail to reconcile a single model of upbringing, it is quite possible that their marriage will end with a break for precisely this reason.
6. Disrespect towards relatives
As it turned out, psychologists attribute frequent quarrels between spouses over each other’s relatives to frequent divorce reasons. Most often, this problem is traced in families that have to live with their parents. Also, many families fall apart due to the fact that the spouse could not find a common language with children from the previous marriage of their partner.
Some perceive jealousy as a sign of love. Perhaps this is true, but at the same time jealousy carries with it destructive power. Regardless of whether this feeling is based on real or fictional suspicions, if it constantly disturbs the spouse, sooner or later a person will not be able to assess the situation adequately, which will be the cause of completely uncontrolled and unjustified quarrels. As a rule, painful jealousy is more dominated by men.
8. Growing up
According to statistics, the largest percentage of divorce proceedings are couples who began their family life at a young age. But it is interesting that this statistics affects only those families where spouses are of the same age. This phenomenon is explained quite simply: we all grow up, and growing up changes not only our physical condition, but also our consciousness. Accordingly, with age, we look at our previous dreams, aspirations and actions a little differently.
Couples who, while in a critical relationship, turn to a family psychologist, often complain that after several years of marriage, their partners have become indifferent. For example, a wife is less and less interested in affairs at work of her spouse, and her spouse shamelessly forgets about important holiday dates. These cases are not rare, and they are to blame for the lack of development in the relationship. Unfortunately, a person is designed so that when he becomes morally bored, he begins to look for a third-party outlet, while forgetting about those who are nearby.
The absolute leader in the list of causes leading to divorce in all countries is alcohol and drug addiction. However, relatively recently, this list was supplemented with several modern causes of divorce - addiction to gambling and computer games. Moreover, the divorces that have arisen for these reasons are the most painful and long. As a rule, at first the spouse tries to help the addicted person independently, however, since this phenomenon is of a very deep psychological nature, such attempts in very rare cases end successfully.
TOP 10 causes of divorce
1. Our past . As long as we live in the past, we will not be able to move forward into the future. Comparing real relationships with past partners will not lead to anything good. And yet - forget and don’t remember what your partner had, don’t remember your former partners and their relationship, release and live with what you have at the moment.
2. Treason . This is the most common reason, after which the pair, even the most stable and strongest, is quite difficult to survive. Even if the “injured” party decides to forgive the traitor, in the future he will be constantly gnawed by doubts about the loyalty of the second half, even if he swears his own loyalty. Do not change your loved ones, the consequences will be very difficult to fix.
3. Friends and relatives . It's just great when your close people are crazy about you. They will constantly admire you, and talk about how lucky they are with you. From this second half will love, and appreciate you even more. But not always in our lives, everything is so rosy. When outsiders constantly point out your shortcomings - this negatively affects the relationship. This is their real enemy! But there is also a situation when we do not like people with whom our half spends time. How to be in this situation? Everything is simple - just be a well-mannered person, keep calm and friendly relations.
4. Forcing . Acceleration or inhibition only harms the relationship. After all, only healthy marriages develop gradually. This does not mean that they will develop constantly with the same speed, but without braking and accelerating events. It often happens that one side begins to force the fact of rapprochement as much as possible, while the other is not ready for it.
5. Complete dependence or independence . When a lot of one or the other is very bad. In the first case, if the partner is completely dependent on you, then later, he may feel in a cage, and you will be perceived as a person who has infringed upon his freedom. In the second case, with the full independence of the partner, there may be a feeling of loneliness with the other.
6. Third extra . The union of two people for its peaceful existence should consist of two people. When a third person appears in this union, everything goes awry. Usually in the role of a third party is the former spouse. In such a situation, if this happened to you, you do not need to sit back, you need to act as soon as possible, if, of course, you want to save the marriage. Immediately sharply, clearly and decisively let the obsessive destroyers of family happiness know that you have different priorities and life paths. Otherwise, you risk losing your loved one.
7. Stresses and troubles . Although no more stresses themselves, how many inability to deal with them, without transferring negative emotions to a partner. Learn to overcome the negative and take control of the situation. If you cannot do it alone, talk to your spouse, together you can solve the problem in two accounts, or at least come up with solutions.
8. Life . After the partners live together for a certain time - usually more than 5-7 years - the relationship moves to a new level. The passion that has accompanied the couple all this time is fading away and becoming a habit, affection. Partners calm down and turn into friends. Life turns into a routine with the involvement of the routine.
9. Inability to speak out . We can not love everyone and respect their preferences. Here, as they say "The taste and color of the comrades are not." The same thing happens with our partner. If we do not like something in the behavior or the character of the partner, you need to be sure to tell him about it, otherwise after a long accumulation of claims in yourself, all this will subsequently result in a hail of sooner or later.
10. Lack of attention . No matter how strange it sounded, but even the strongest couple can crack, and then collapse simply because of lack of communication and attention. Remember one thing - the less we will receive attention, love and affection in our own family, the more we will look for it (even unconsciously) on the side. Therefore, if you do not want your second half to leave you, pay as much attention as possible to your loved one.
To preserve happiness and multiply it in marriage is not an easy job, but how nice it is to know that beloved people are waiting for you at home, ready for your exploits for your sake! I wish you happiness, love and mutual understanding, dear readers.